


I Don't Want to Lose You

by gayestaqua



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Jealousy, Kinda, M/M, idk thats it just read, jealous hisoka jealous hisoka jealous hisoka, one sided chrollo/illumi, pls give me validation, probably ooc idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:34:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26994526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayestaqua/pseuds/gayestaqua
Summary: It started out small. Knowing Illumi and his mannerisms, you would probably not notice the slight change in his attitude. Hisoka did, of course. He knew the man better than he knew his own self, and, for Hisoka, to care this much about another being, that was an accomplishment on its own.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 12
Kudos: 149





	I Don't Want to Lose You

**Author's Note:**

> hello it is currently 3:22am so i apologize for any mistakes lmao. anyways, i intended for this to be way angstier and sadder than it is but idk it turned out with a happy ending bc i decided that i like soft hisoillu

It started out small. Knowing Illumi and his mannerisms, you would probably not notice the slight change in his attitude. Hisoka did, of course. He knew the man better than he knew his own self, and, for Hisoka, to care this much about another being, that was an accomplishment on its own.

Hisoka can remember the first time he’s ever felt his heart drop this much, the first time his breathing got jagged, the first time he could barely hold the tears in anymore. Of course, Hisoka did not cry. He would never. Especially not in front of all these people. 

“I’ll be right back, sweetheart,” he booped little Kalluto’s nose, but his gaze was focused completely elsewhere. Kalluto seemed a little offended at being cut off this abruptly, but he was smart to know not to push it.

It wasn’t that bad, really. Under any different circumstances, he would’ve found it arousing, even. 

He kept a cool, smirking face as he made his over to the two men. 

Chrollo had Illumi’s hand in his own, shaking it, which Hisoka would not have minded if the thief didn’t try bringing it up to his lips and planting a kiss on it. On _his_ Illumi’s hands - can you believe that! 

He knew Chrollo was a very charming man, and he does this every time, to everybody he meets. And for some reason, that enraged Hisoka.

As slowly as he could, he walked over to them and held both their hands in his own joyfully. 

“Ah! I see you know each other,” said Hisoka, which was the stupidest thing he could’ve ever said. Of course they knew each other. All three of them had even hung out before! He tried not to think how weird he must’ve sounded just right now, he just needed something to say to pull them away from each other. 

He let go of Chrollo’s hand and held Illumi’s tightly to his chest as he wrapped his other arm around Illumi’s waist to pull him closer.

He heard Illumi sigh, from pleasure or annoyance, he couldn’t tell. 

Hisoka was grinning hard, as usual, probably to stop himself from killing everyone in this room including Illumi.

And, of course, Illumi noticed that, and he did not really want to die today, so he leaned into his lover’s touch.

At that, Hisoka calmed down a bit. He knew Illumi must’ve felt his sweaty palms, and his unsteady heartbeat, and for that he felt ashamed. That was a first, because Hisoka was usually very, very shameless.

Chrollo, on the other hand, seemed perturbed. Of course, he was used to Hisoka being weird, the bloodlust oozing off of him wasn’t unusual, but he was very annoyed at the fact that Hisoka just chose to waltz in and steal Illumi from him. Of course, Chrollo had to remind himself, Hisoka could not _steal_ Illumi, seeing as he already belonged to him.

That thought should not have left bitter aftertastes, but it did, and that seemed to put him off.

“What do you mean? Of course we know each other,” Illumi had said softly, in response to Hisoka’s strange remark. 

“Oh, you do, now?” Hisoka played it off as a joke, and Chrollo could not tell whether that was his imagination playing dirty and sad tricks on him, but he could see the fondness in which Hisoka looked at his lover which, in Chrollo’s opinion, seemed very out of character for Hisoka. He wasn’t even sure Hisoka could feel an emotion as strong and as pure as love. 

But, of course, he did. And, of course, it just had to be with Illumi.

Illumi hummed in response, “It even seems like I have known him longer than you.” Chrollo felt as if he were an intruder, as if he were looking and witnessing something he should not have. Yes, they were speaking about him but he did not feel very included, and he did not feel any importance or pride as he heard Illumi say his name and basically admit he was closer to him. But he knew of their mind games, and he knew this was one of them, and they were using his presence to toy around with each other.

“Nonsense,” Hisoka seemed unsure. The overly confident Hisoka everyone knew seemed to fade for just a brief moment, as he dramatically waved the hand, that was still holding Illumi’s, around.

Illumi let out a puff of air, out of amusement, and it did not seem like much, but Hisoka took immense pride in being able to make Illumi break character. Illumi barely ever laughed, so whenever he did, Hisoka made sure to be around to cherish it.

It always came out as a surprise to Hisoka whenever Illumi laughed, especially when he was the reason. He did not think of himself as particularly funny, but if he could make an otherwise-emotionless Illumi chuckle, that would mean he counted as hilarious, a comedic genius even.

And Chrollo could notice that, too. The way Hisoka’s eyes seemed to widen a bit as Illumi let out soft sounds of joy, and the sly smile that played at the magician’s lips. He tried to remember the last time he made Illumi laugh. He was afraid he might come up empty - he probably has never had the chance to do so. He wasn’t even sure he ever witnessed such a vulnerable moment of Illumi. _Laughing._ He wondered how Illumi would look like when he actually laughed, if he were capable of even feeling such a strong and happy emotion, if he ever had to cover his mouth from giggling so much. He assumed Hisoka had at least made him laugh to tears once, at least. It was interesting to think about, although a bit sad. Illumi was interesting to think about.

Hisoka silently agrees. 

“Should we go?” Hisoka whispered only for Illumi to hear. The other man shrugged. Hisoka took that as a yes. He felt a little bit disappointed as Illumi untangled himself from his embrace and silently walked off to bid goodbye to his brother. That left Chrollo and Hisoka alone, which felt very, very awkward.

It was silent for a few minutes, a very long and a very uncomfortable silence surrounded them. Hisoka wanted to gauge his own eyes out. 

After thinking it thoroughly, he decided to ask, “You like him, don’t you?”

Hisoka could see the slight shock that showed on Chrollo’s face. It was quickly replaced with a smirk. 

“Why, are you jealous?”

Hisoka huffed. “Of course not.”

Chrollo liked the idea of a jealous Hisoka. He seemed very murderous, and his aura seemed to be at his strongest then, which only made it better. He assumed that if he were to steal Illumi from Hisoka, the man would never forgive him. That seemed like a very appealing thought for Chrollo.

Illumi was crouching down in front of his brother, talking to him and making sure he was alright. Hisoka found it endearing. He knew how important family was to Illumi, and he could tell Illumi loved all his siblings very much, although he had an awful way of showing it.

He watched as Illumi made his way back to them. 

“We will be going now, Chrollo. It was nice seeing you,” Hisoka said, and even Chrollo could tell he did not mean any of the words he said. He couldn’t help but smirk.

When Chrollo didn’t say anything in return, Hisoka took it as his cue to leave. He dragged a very annoyed Illumi behind him as they walked back to their apartment.

“Chrollo likes you,” Hisoka had said after a few moments of comfortable silence. That seemed to pull Illumi out of his thoughts. “Hm?”

“He likes you.”

“He doesn’t like me.” Illumi was sure of it. 

“But he does!” 

“He doesn’t.” 

Hisoka was losing his cool. He stopped abruptly in the middle of the street and turned to face a very calm-looking Illumi.

“How would you know that!” Hisoka half-whispered, half-yelled.

“What do you mean how would I know that? I would have known if he did.”

Hisoka mentally face palmed at his boyfriend’s words. “That makes no sense.”

“It does.”

“It doesn’t. He likes you.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I don’t _think_ that, I _know_ that. I asked him.”

“You asked him?” Illumi puffed out in disbelief, eyebrows shooting up.

“I just said that, didn’t I?” Hisoka turned back around and started walking away. Illumi stood there for a few moments staring at his back, which seemed to be getting smaller with every step Hisoka took. He decided to catch up with him.

“And he straight up told you he liked me.”

“Yes. Well, not exactly. He asked if I were jealous.”

It was Illumi’s turn to stop in his tracks. “And you thought that meant he liked me.”

Hisoka rolled his eyes. “Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“He only said that to make you mad.”

“Why would he?” Hisoka was beginning to wish he never brought up the subject. He hated thinking about the thought of other people liking Illumi. For some reason, it scared him. Nothing ever scares Hisoka.

“I don’t know.”

“Illumi, darling, stop being stupid. He likes you, why won’t you just admit that so we can move on and go home?” He threw his arms up to demonstrate his annoyance.

“Chrollo can’t like me, Hisoka.”

Hisoka made a face at the mention of the Spider’s name. He has never wanted to fight him more.

“And why is that?”

“Because.”

“Fine. Have it your way.” Hisoka started walking again. It pained Illumi to watch him walk away like that. He picked up his pace and walked alongside. Illumi did not really understand what was happening. He wasn’t sure whether Hisoka was actually jealous or hurt, but he did not want to hurt Hisoka. He was probably the first and only person Illumi didn’t want to hurt, actually. 

“Does it bother you?” Illumi asked.

“No,” Hisoka lied.

“It doesn’t?” He couldn’t help but feel a little tug at his chest at that. Yes, Illumi was a trained assassin and yes, he rarely felt physical pain, but emotions flowed out of him against his will still. He did not know how to control them yet, he only knew how to direct them in killing. It was the only way for him to express his feelings. He knew some people might think it was fucked up, but he thought of it as comforting.

“Does it bother _you?”_ Hisoka had redirected the question to avoid answering it himself.

“Yes,” he replied honestly.

Hisoka should be used to the straightforwardness by now, but he really wasn’t, and it threw him completely off guard whenever Illumi blurted out something very blunt and very honest.

“Why?”

“Because.”

He should also have gotten used to how vague Illumi could be, but he also didn’t.

“Why?” Hisoka repeated again, trying to stay as patient as he could. He knew getting impatient and angry would get him nowhere with Illumi; he would just shut down and not talk for the next two days. And Hisoka really, really did not want that.

Illumi seemed to go over this question in his mind. “Because it pains you,” he finally decided.

“It pains me?” Hisoka laughed in mock-disbelief. 

Illumi just looked over at him and nodded. For the first time tonight, Hisoka’s face was unreadable. He wasn’t smirking anymore, but he wasn’t annoyed either. He was staring straight ahead, and for the first time, Illumi could not read him. 

“It does,” he replied quietly. 

Illumi felt his heart clench at his honesty. “What do you want me to do about it?”

Hisoka glanced over, and smiled. To anyone else, a sentence like this could count as very sarcastic and exasperating, but Hisoka knew Illumi was genuinely asking what he could do for him to make the situation better.

“I don’t get to choose that, Illumi, dear.”

Illumi looked puzzled. “Why not?”

Hisoka found it adorable how Illumi had no idea what the fuck he was doing most of the time.

“Because, Illumi, love, it is your life.”

“Yeah. And?”

“And,” Hisoka pulled Illumi closer to him by the waist, “I don’t get to meddle with it.” He buried his face in his hair and kissed the side of his head. Illumi smelled like vanilla, he noted.

“But you are.”

Hisoka threw his head back at that, laughing. “You’re so romantic, Illu~”

Illumi was smiling. He was looking at Hisoka, and his chest felt tight, and for some reason he didn’t care about Chrollo anymore, and he only wanted to go home and wrap Hisoka in his arms.

They kept walking in sweet silence for a few more minutes before Hisoka spoke up again. 

“Why did you not think Chrollo could like you?”

Illumi could feel his boyfriend’s gaze on him, and he felt somewhat intimidated.

“I don’t know. Because why would he?”

Illumi’s brows furrowed, and he seemed honestly confused. Hisoka stopped walking, again, and spun Illumi until he was facing him.

“Why wouldn’t he?” he said, softly kissing in between his eyebrows, washing the confusion away. Illumi’s mouth formed a small “o” shape, which Hisoka kissed, too.

“Come on.” His usual grinning self was back, which comforted Illumi. “Let’s walk.”

He pulled Illumi by the hand as he began walking. Illumi was hoping they wouldn’t have to stop again, because he was beginning to feel really tired and he really wanted to go home.

“Hisoka.”

“Hm?”

Illumi did not say another word. Hisoka knew this would be the end of it, and Illumi wasn’t going to finish his thought. Although, he really wanted to know what he was going to say. He decided to drop it, fully knowing how Illumi got if you kept pressuring him to tell you things. He decided to gently smile at him and run his thumb over his knuckles, which Illumi appreciated. 

They walked along for what seemed like hours, and Illumi was trying his best to keep his eyes open but he was just so very tired. He couldn’t prevent his eyes from closing against his will, and he couldn’t force himself to stay awake anymore. He knew falling asleep while walking was dangerous, but he assumed Hisoka would not really mind the inconvenience, so he let himself doze off.

And, of course, he was right - Hisoka felt complete pride and pure adoration swell in his chest at the thought of Illumi choosing to let himself be vulnerable around Hisoka. He always took extra care to protect Illumi whenever he was asleep, because he knew how big of a deal and scary it was for the assassin to completely let his guard down like that, so he always made sure to look twice before crossing the street, and to avoid any off-looking person - while he was always in the mood for a good fight, especially at night and with Illumi around to watch him, he deemed Illumi more important than his sickly desires and decided to take the safe route and stay put.

The next thing Illumi knew as he opened his eyes a few minutes later, he was being carried back home, and he fully trusted the man holding him in his arms. He inhaled his sweet cologne before sleepily snuggling his face into the crook of his neck. A small giggle was the last thing he heard before unconsciousness took over again. 


End file.
